Breaking Away From Facebook

I am just going to assume it is safe to say that if you are reading this you have a Facebook account.  Who doesn’t these days?  Pretty much every business, person, and pet has one.  Hearing that someone doesn’t have one is so rare that when we do hear it we are shocked.  Which brings me to today’s post, I have decided to leave Facebook behind and break away.  You know what?  It isn’t as easy as it sounds.  You would think that all you need to do is deactivate/delete your account.  In theory you are right, but before you can do that you have to take into account the pages you’ve created or websites you use with that login.  Which of course I do both, so that means no deactivating my account because I still need to get to these pages/websites.  But before I go into all that lets go back to why I decided to do this.

Recently I have started to notice that Facebook has become more of an irritation rather than a fun way to keep up with everyone.  It use to be so nice to see what people where doing; whether it was traveling, getting married, or having babies.  You got to be a part of things even if you couldn’t be there in person.  It started out this way but over the last year I would catch myself scrolling through my news feed just trying to see what people were saying but could rarely see these statuses because they were clouded by all the ads, game suggestions, sponsored likes and the shared photos from other pages.  It has become about the money versus the people.  Most of my feed has now resorted to people just reposting photos from other pages versus a status.  Then you add that most of the other social apps like Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest link to Facebook accounts so you then have to deal with all those posts on Facebook and if you use those apps on there as well.  It was so much over kill that I noticed I was getting more and more irritated each time I logged on to Facebook.  Every time I had to scroll past a sponsored ad or like I would just cringe.  You would think that if I noticed myself getting irritated that I would just stop checking but at that point it was part of the routine that I just couldn’t help myself.  I caught myself checking Facebook randomly without even really thinking about it on my phone; I would check it in the morning and all through the night.  It was like it was a habit or even an addiction.  I had to click the app and see what was going on.  I would say to myself something interesting has to be going on then I would click and find out that it was just e-cards and political posts over and over again.

I then began to notice that the app for the iPhone was acting weird it was showing me posts that were three days old which I had already seen.  Then I would get these random notifications that a friend was doing something somewhere in the city that I have no connection to.  It was becoming a thorn in my side and I was no longer getting anything from being logged on and that was when I decided I needed to take a step back.  I started with first saying  “I am not going to check Facebook for the rest of the evening”, then I would catch myself an hour later clicking the app on my phone during a commercial.  I tried this for a couple days failing each time and ending up back on the app.  I eventually got to a couple days ago where I decided to take the leap and delete the app from my phone.  Hopefully preventing me from accessing without thinking.  Honestly that was really liberating; it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  Who would have thought that something so simple would have that effect.  I do catch myself zombie like trying to go to the app but then realize the app is gone and put the phone down.

While I made it through the next few nights, and was very happy about that.  It was nice to not have it as part of the evening.  I do have to admit I did ended up checking Facebook the next morning approximately 13 hours after I deleted the app while at work.  I was not surprised at all that I hadn’t missed anything because that is exactly what happened I didn’t miss a thing, it was still all ads, sponsored likes, game requests and shared e-card pics.  I ended up checking a couple times throughout the day while at work out of habit but I quickly closed the tab and moved on.  Even as I write this post I will admit I looked this morning at Facebook after going almost 24 hours and it still is exactly the same and I am not missing things at all.  It is a bit easier to not check it, especially since I am seeing that there is nothing special going on.  People are still posting all the same things that I am just not interested in anymore.

Now at this point you are probably saying why not just delete you account and move on.  Which trust me I want to do, but I don’t think people realize how connected everything today has become to Facebook.  For me I manage my jobs page on Facebook; so in order to do this I have to be logged on as me so I can get to the admin page.  So I am bound to it through Facebook.  Then you have to think about all the other things that Facebook links to, like Pinterest.  My account is linked to Facebook.  Well I like Pinterest so if I get rid of Facebook will I loose my pins and have to start over?  Even Groupon & Living Social allow you to access their sites with Facebook login, well if you don’t have an account you can no longer access those things.  The other way that I have noticed the take over of Facebook has been through blog contests.  A lot of the contests that I have seen late require you to Like their page on Facebook in order to gain an entry in their contest.  In general even when I enjoyed Facebook I didn’t do those type of entries because I didn’t want to share all my Facebook information with the blog.  I have always thought about the fact that each time you use that login somewhere you are sharing that information.  We do it so easily these days that we begin to get blinded by how far Facebook’s reach has gone.

Now I am not against social media as a whole, I am a big lover of Twitter and Instagram.  I still use them daily but because they are only really focused on one to two things I find them easier to enjoy.  I don’t cringe or feel irritated about their content so it keeps me going back.  So how do you feel about Facebook these days?  Do you still love all the changes and find that it is a great site?  Or are you like me struggling with the choice to leave?  Leave me a comment and tell me your perspective!

Life Lesson #1

I read this blog post this week that has really stuck with me.  It was over at A Life Less Bullshit; written by the very talented Nicole.  I have been reading her blog for years and she always has this way of saying things that just make you think.  Plus it doesn’t hurt that she isn’t afraid to use all caps and cussing which of course enhances her writing not distract from it, because it just shows you how human she is.  While I have been a fan of hers for awhile nothing has stuck out to me more than her post titled “Do Whatever You Fucking Want”.  I mean right there in the title it is pretty straight forward and so simple; yet so hard to follow.  Which has got me thinking; am I doing whatever I fucking want to do?

I have always seemed to pander to people in my life in some way.  I do what they want to do, hide the way I feel, don’t talk about what is going on with me because they need me to listen to them, and find excuses for why they treat me the way they do.  Then there is the whole how I treat myself, why am I not baking all the time, writing that children’s book, sketching on weekends, decorating my house, dining at local restaurant alone, or not doing this or that; because I am scared of how others will perceive me.  Which is why Nicole’s post was so great because she point blank stated you need to do you.  Ok I summarized what she was saying into five words but you get the gist.  At some point in your life you have to realize that there is no one else that can do you and you need to stop fighting yourself and do whatever you fucking want.

 A few days before Nicole’s post came out I made the decision to splurge on a Nespresso machine.  Of course me being me I had to do the math and make sure that it was a wise financial decision.  Even though this machine was for me and only me I still couldn’t help myself and had to go to my Mom and lay out all the numbers and get her opinion.  Not only because I truly do value her opinion but also because I felt I needed her approval.  Which is funny since I am 30 years old, own my own home, and have a job.  She does not control my finances or have any say on where or when I spend my money but yet I still needed her approval.  Luckily for me she was all for it, I think it was the numbers especially since she is an accountant. Which leads me to my current obsession which is of course every latte, cappuccino or espresso I have made in the last 4 days.  I have been blowing up my social media tweeting & instagraming it all the time I am sure everyone is sick and tired of hearing about it but oh well!  I have caught myself second guessing if I should tweet this or that about my machine because I am so excited to have it that I just can’t help myself and you know what that is ok!  This is something that I am in love with right now and it is ok to be a total dork about it and get hyped up on espresso whenever I want because it is what I want.

So not only was I totally inspired by Nicole’s post but she also has a great Change Your Story post which completely relates, because we have to learn that it is ok to make changes to who we are and move forward.  I am not sure if it is more noticeable now because we are so inundated with social media so everything we do is broadcasted to the masses in some way or form.  So we second guess our choices, because people are going to see this or know that we are doing this.  But we have to learn that it is ok to stop doing something or to even start doing something because it is what we need or want to do.  It is up to you to make those changes and to realize that you are your own worst enemy.  We are also our hardest critics, every move we make we over analyze and it just doesn’t make sense. We need to learn to be our biggest cheerleader instead.  I catch myself not wanting to share my blog on my own personal facebook, because I don’t know how people will react.  But why do I care?  Well I care because I want to be liked, we all do.  It is our default reaction to not do something because someone we know may have an opinion on what we are doing.  For me I decided that I wanted to be more active on my blog and try to find my voice online; it is going to have its own struggles.  If I want to share this blog I should and if I don’t then that is OK because this is something I am doing for me.  People on facebook, or twitter are all living their lives doing their things they don’t care that I am over here writing about restaurants, my crappy day, my emo moment with a friend, or even that lovely dinner I cooked last night or maybe they do care and they want to cheer me on who knows.  It is ok for me to choose to not find out right now.

So what I want everyone to do is make sure that you are doing you!  If you want to reconnect with that long lost friend then do so, if you want to hole up on the weekend and not talk to a single soul that is ok too, just do something that is for you and learn one step at a time that it is perfectly acceptable to do things just for you no matter how big or small it is.  Feel free to leave me a comment telling me how you plan to do you I would love to hear about it, because your story may help me or someone else learn how to take that step.

Internal Struggle

I have been having a couple hard days internally.  My brain is over analyzing the things around me and just wont give up.  I posted about a few weeks back about changes in friendship and over this last weekend it just for some reason showed me how much things have changed.  And I am struggling with it, I am a sensitive person anyway, I tend to take things personally whether I should or not.  Most times I can rationalize things and don’t let it get to me other times I just can’t help myself.  The joys of being human we can’t always control our feelings.  So over the weekend I just realized how much I miss having my friend in my corner, but at the same time if they were really in my corner would we even be in this position in the first place?  While I can rationalize that things change for a reason, people leave for a reason it doesn’t make it any easier on your feelings to know these things.

So my brain has been over analyzing the choices I have made and wondering about the choices they made and how we went from being friends to not being friends.  How did we get here, what did we say or do that got us here.  It is the merry-go-round type situation in my head.  Now I know that there are two sides to everything and I am not innocent in the situation.  I can own up to the fact that I made choices as well.  I chose to only reach out the way I have and only so many times.  Eventually it got to the point where I had to decide am I getting anything back?  Should I keep trying or is it time to see if they reciprocate in some way.  So eventually I stopped reaching out in whatever way I had been.  Because I just couldn’t anymore and unfortunately nothing ever came from their end and here we are 5 months later.  And it is funny how out of nowhere you think you are fine with the choices you have made you realize that even though you are ok with them the fact that things have changed you can’t help but feel hurt by the change.  It wasn’t an easy choice for me to make but I know and knew it was the right one for me.  I am sure this is just a moment of sadness because I see how different things are now and time will only heal the scars.

Moving Forward…

While the title was easy to type it certainly isn’t that easy to accomplish.  I hear from so many people that they are always trying to move forward in one way or the other.  If it is moving on from an old love, a job, old friendships or just day to day life we are always moving forward.  We spend so much time dwelling on moving forward that it becomes an affliction, something that just becomes part of our daily lives and when we haven’t moved forward fast enough we dwell even harder on it.

For me I have been struggling with friendships for years now.  And it is weird to think how many years I have been dealing with the same issue over and over again.  I don’t talk about it much with anyone because it seems to raw to admit. But I have been trying to make changes in my life recently and the only way to do that is to take a leap off the cliff.  Jump feet first into what ever lies ahead but the only way to do that is to let go of the ropes holding me back.  And for me one of those ropes tethering me to the past are friendships lost.  It is never easy to loose friends no matter the circumstances. While we grow and evolve so do the people around us, we have to be willing to understand that just because we want to hold on the other person may not.

I have always assumed I was a good person and a great friend. I look back on my friendships and I see me being there for each and everyone of them in their time of need through amazing life changes to the challenging ones no matter what and without question.  I have always felt that I go above and beyond with my friendships but honestly never feel I get the same back.  I tend to feel easily replaced that I was good for the moment but now that I filled my part they are done. Even as friendships change no matter the circumstances we have to learn to take a look from the outside and realize that the person pushing you away is doing it because it is what they need not what you need. This isn’t easy to hear or comprehend because if that person matters to you why don’t you matter to them.

Which leads me to my affliction, I take it too personally when I get pushed to the side or replaced.  This happens more than I like to admit and leads me to a lot of self doubt about the type of friend or person I am.  Because looking around I realize I am no ones person.  (For those Grey’s Anatomy lovers you’ll get that reference) All my friends have their person.  I am always second or third in line, this is the best way I know how to describe it.  It is kind of like being on the team roster but not cool enough to play.  So if I am having a bad day I don’t have a person to vent to or even if I am having a fabulous day there is no one on my team.  Sometimes we just want to know that no matter what is going on there is someone on our side.  I have never had anyone stick around through the hard stuff.  It is weird to think like that but every time I think I have found a great friend something happens and they disappear on me.  Sometimes I know exactly what is happening and others it blind sides me and I feel so confused.

Recently I have been dealing with giving a friend space because it is what they wanted, they eventually admitted this was what they wanted and why they had been distant to begin with, but at some point when does space become no longer friends?  At what point does it make that turn even when reaching out in casual ways doesn’t lead to anything and it feels like I am bothering them.  You start doing your thing they start doing theirs and the next thing you know it’s been months without any real conversations.  Now I know that this is only my side of the situation and there is another side out there so I can only understand my reactions & motives.  We always have to make sure that we are aware of that, this is how I am feeling not the other person.  So what I am going to say next is going to sound childish; I know this but I can’t help the way I feel, but why am I the only one that has to try.  At some point it would be nice to know that someone cared for me the way I do for them.  To try to realize that how they were or are treating me during their time of need is their responsibility and that their actions and words effect me and that I matter. Emotions are not one sided you aren’t the only one in the friendship with feelings so why is that your feelings matter more?  This becomes the question I am sure we have all asked ourselves at one point or another when dealing with any type of relationship, and it goes right back to what I said earlier “we have to realize that the person pushing us away is doing it because it is what they need not what you need”. This isn’t an easy concept to grasp and even though we know this it still doesn’t change our feelings.  It also doesn’t make our feelings any easier to handle.

I think this is the part that gets me the most, knowing that this is a choice they are making and I have no control over that but feeling like I don’t matter to people is a hard rope to cut.  Now a lot of people do not want to talk about the fact that they feel alone in the world because people around you always say “you’re not alone, so many people care about you” without fail as adults if we try to talk about this subject this is what we hear. So why talk about how we feel when we know what they are going to say, I think this is why so many adults hide the fact that they really feel the same.  Why is there such a stigma about the way we feel? I have tried to talk about this with so many people and because of that response is why I never go to deep into the conversation, I never get down to the nitty gritty because the response is you matter to someone.  Well if that is true then why am I having these feelings?  It isn’t easy to admit to yourself or to anyone that you feel like you are easily passed over for someone else. While I don’t expect to miraculously feel better it does help to be raw to how I feel.  I am normally the one that holds everything in because I tend to not have anyone to really share the hard stuff with and I think this is something that needs to change.  How can I move forward and make changes if I am never willing to be outright vulnerable?  Maybe that is the key; learning that sometimes in order to move past the hurdle you have to be willing to get hurt.  Moving forward has never been easy.

The Odd Side of Weight Loss

I have been dieting for just around 6 months now, and have lost a respectable 24 and half pounds.  Who would have ever that that half a pound or even a tenth of a pound would matter but wow does it.  Especially on weeks where you only lose two tenths of a pound, but hey at least you didn’t gain.  This becomes your mantra and any decrease is good, even though in reality you are cursing yourself that you didn’t loose more.  Which leads me to why I call this post the odd side of weight loss; it is because even though I have lost over 20 pounds to me I look exactly the same.  So I see on the scale the change but physically I am still all there, except in my wrists and feet.  This to me just seems so random, I have dieted before even on this exact same diet which by they way is Weight Watchers but the weight is coming off in very different ways than the first time I did it.

Now I don’t have some obscurely tiny wrist or anything but all of a sudden the bracelet I have worn for almost three years can easily be slipped off which it never did before, it use to fit just a little loose around the wrist and I would have to unclasp it to get it on and off.  It was made to fit my wrist specifically and is made out of white gold, so it isn’t like over two years it stretched.  I had the bracelet made for me because I could never find anything in the store that fit.  So it just baffles me that I need to have it made smaller by just over an inch.  It seems so odd that this is where my body decided to loose weight.

I am sure this is totally normal and it is a good change especially for the feet side, I am not a size smaller or anything but I do notice that things fit either looser or just better overall.  This too me is a really good thing, because shoes are my enemy, I hate shopping for them because they never come in my size.  I wear a size 11 normally but I can wear 10s or 12s depending all on the shoe and designer.  So I try not to let it define me but it drastically limits what I can comfortably put on my feet because most stores only care up to a 10 in anything that is fashionable.  Once you hit the 11 – 12 mark you start wearing orthopedic looking shoes that are thick and have velcro.  Just typing that description makes by brow furrow.  So I am looking forward to just maybe getting into a size 10 at some point as my starting size instead of an 11.  I should also note that if I have my foot measured it always comes up at a 10, but 10s rarely fit right.  So this has more to do with the industry than my body personally.

Because this process has been going on for 6 months and I would say I have at least 10 more months before I reach my ultimate goal but I can’t help but wish I showed a greater physical change than I do, while having smaller wrists and feet is nice it doesn’t really alter me visually.  Which ultimately is a nice side effect of loosing weight.  While most of us choose to loose weight mainly for health benefits no one can deny that really it is to look better in clothing.  We are just programmed that way.  Or if you are me it is just to get out of the plus size boxy section and into misses sized clothing where they define curves.  I don’t want to even get started on the drastic difference in clothing between misses and plus size because I can talk for days about how designers think plus size needs to be square that is a whole other post.  As well as the fact that women’s section in department stores is actually plus size clothing, they just don’t call it plus size.

I just decided that I was not focusing on me and it was starting to show physically and then I reached back to my highest weight ever in 2012 and knew that it was time to make a change.  I hope to post more about my journey I am on a goal of loosing 100 lbs and when I look at it that way being almost a quarter of the way there it doesn’t seem that big of a goal.