friendship

Internal Struggle

I have been having a couple hard days internally.  My brain is over analyzing the things around me and just wont give up.  I posted about a few weeks back about changes in friendship and over this last weekend it just for some reason showed me how much things have changed.  And I am struggling with it, I am a sensitive person anyway, I tend to take things personally whether I should or not.  Most times I can rationalize things and don’t let it get to me other times I just can’t help myself.  The joys of being human we can’t always control our feelings.  So over the weekend I just realized how much I miss having my friend in my corner, but at the same time if they were really in my corner would we even be in this position in the first place?  While I can rationalize that things change for a reason, people leave for a reason it doesn’t make it any easier on your feelings to know these things.

So my brain has been over analyzing the choices I have made and wondering about the choices they made and how we went from being friends to not being friends.  How did we get here, what did we say or do that got us here.  It is the merry-go-round type situation in my head.  Now I know that there are two sides to everything and I am not innocent in the situation.  I can own up to the fact that I made choices as well.  I chose to only reach out the way I have and only so many times.  Eventually it got to the point where I had to decide am I getting anything back?  Should I keep trying or is it time to see if they reciprocate in some way.  So eventually I stopped reaching out in whatever way I had been.  Because I just couldn’t anymore and unfortunately nothing ever came from their end and here we are 5 months later.  And it is funny how out of nowhere you think you are fine with the choices you have made you realize that even though you are ok with them the fact that things have changed you can’t help but feel hurt by the change.  It wasn’t an easy choice for me to make but I know and knew it was the right one for me.  I am sure this is just a moment of sadness because I see how different things are now and time will only heal the scars.

Moving Forward…

While the title was easy to type it certainly isn’t that easy to accomplish.  I hear from so many people that they are always trying to move forward in one way or the other.  If it is moving on from an old love, a job, old friendships or just day to day life we are always moving forward.  We spend so much time dwelling on moving forward that it becomes an affliction, something that just becomes part of our daily lives and when we haven’t moved forward fast enough we dwell even harder on it.

For me I have been struggling with friendships for years now.  And it is weird to think how many years I have been dealing with the same issue over and over again.  I don’t talk about it much with anyone because it seems to raw to admit. But I have been trying to make changes in my life recently and the only way to do that is to take a leap off the cliff.  Jump feet first into what ever lies ahead but the only way to do that is to let go of the ropes holding me back.  And for me one of those ropes tethering me to the past are friendships lost.  It is never easy to loose friends no matter the circumstances. While we grow and evolve so do the people around us, we have to be willing to understand that just because we want to hold on the other person may not.

I have always assumed I was a good person and a great friend. I look back on my friendships and I see me being there for each and everyone of them in their time of need through amazing life changes to the challenging ones no matter what and without question.  I have always felt that I go above and beyond with my friendships but honestly never feel I get the same back.  I tend to feel easily replaced that I was good for the moment but now that I filled my part they are done. Even as friendships change no matter the circumstances we have to learn to take a look from the outside and realize that the person pushing you away is doing it because it is what they need not what you need. This isn’t easy to hear or comprehend because if that person matters to you why don’t you matter to them.

Which leads me to my affliction, I take it too personally when I get pushed to the side or replaced.  This happens more than I like to admit and leads me to a lot of self doubt about the type of friend or person I am.  Because looking around I realize I am no ones person.  (For those Grey’s Anatomy lovers you’ll get that reference) All my friends have their person.  I am always second or third in line, this is the best way I know how to describe it.  It is kind of like being on the team roster but not cool enough to play.  So if I am having a bad day I don’t have a person to vent to or even if I am having a fabulous day there is no one on my team.  Sometimes we just want to know that no matter what is going on there is someone on our side.  I have never had anyone stick around through the hard stuff.  It is weird to think like that but every time I think I have found a great friend something happens and they disappear on me.  Sometimes I know exactly what is happening and others it blind sides me and I feel so confused.

Recently I have been dealing with giving a friend space because it is what they wanted, they eventually admitted this was what they wanted and why they had been distant to begin with, but at some point when does space become no longer friends?  At what point does it make that turn even when reaching out in casual ways doesn’t lead to anything and it feels like I am bothering them.  You start doing your thing they start doing theirs and the next thing you know it’s been months without any real conversations.  Now I know that this is only my side of the situation and there is another side out there so I can only understand my reactions & motives.  We always have to make sure that we are aware of that, this is how I am feeling not the other person.  So what I am going to say next is going to sound childish; I know this but I can’t help the way I feel, but why am I the only one that has to try.  At some point it would be nice to know that someone cared for me the way I do for them.  To try to realize that how they were or are treating me during their time of need is their responsibility and that their actions and words effect me and that I matter. Emotions are not one sided you aren’t the only one in the friendship with feelings so why is that your feelings matter more?  This becomes the question I am sure we have all asked ourselves at one point or another when dealing with any type of relationship, and it goes right back to what I said earlier “we have to realize that the person pushing us away is doing it because it is what they need not what you need”. This isn’t an easy concept to grasp and even though we know this it still doesn’t change our feelings.  It also doesn’t make our feelings any easier to handle.

I think this is the part that gets me the most, knowing that this is a choice they are making and I have no control over that but feeling like I don’t matter to people is a hard rope to cut.  Now a lot of people do not want to talk about the fact that they feel alone in the world because people around you always say “you’re not alone, so many people care about you” without fail as adults if we try to talk about this subject this is what we hear. So why talk about how we feel when we know what they are going to say, I think this is why so many adults hide the fact that they really feel the same.  Why is there such a stigma about the way we feel? I have tried to talk about this with so many people and because of that response is why I never go to deep into the conversation, I never get down to the nitty gritty because the response is you matter to someone.  Well if that is true then why am I having these feelings?  It isn’t easy to admit to yourself or to anyone that you feel like you are easily passed over for someone else. While I don’t expect to miraculously feel better it does help to be raw to how I feel.  I am normally the one that holds everything in because I tend to not have anyone to really share the hard stuff with and I think this is something that needs to change.  How can I move forward and make changes if I am never willing to be outright vulnerable?  Maybe that is the key; learning that sometimes in order to move past the hurdle you have to be willing to get hurt.  Moving forward has never been easy.