Internal Struggle

I have been having a couple hard days internally.  My brain is over analyzing the things around me and just wont give up.  I posted about a few weeks back about changes in friendship and over this last weekend it just for some reason showed me how much things have changed.  And I am struggling with it, I am a sensitive person anyway, I tend to take things personally whether I should or not.  Most times I can rationalize things and don’t let it get to me other times I just can’t help myself.  The joys of being human we can’t always control our feelings.  So over the weekend I just realized how much I miss having my friend in my corner, but at the same time if they were really in my corner would we even be in this position in the first place?  While I can rationalize that things change for a reason, people leave for a reason it doesn’t make it any easier on your feelings to know these things.

So my brain has been over analyzing the choices I have made and wondering about the choices they made and how we went from being friends to not being friends.  How did we get here, what did we say or do that got us here.  It is the merry-go-round type situation in my head.  Now I know that there are two sides to everything and I am not innocent in the situation.  I can own up to the fact that I made choices as well.  I chose to only reach out the way I have and only so many times.  Eventually it got to the point where I had to decide am I getting anything back?  Should I keep trying or is it time to see if they reciprocate in some way.  So eventually I stopped reaching out in whatever way I had been.  Because I just couldn’t anymore and unfortunately nothing ever came from their end and here we are 5 months later.  And it is funny how out of nowhere you think you are fine with the choices you have made you realize that even though you are ok with them the fact that things have changed you can’t help but feel hurt by the change.  It wasn’t an easy choice for me to make but I know and knew it was the right one for me.  I am sure this is just a moment of sadness because I see how different things are now and time will only heal the scars.

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