life

Moving Forward…

While the title was easy to type it certainly isn’t that easy to accomplish.  I hear from so many people that they are always trying to move forward in one way or the other.  If it is moving on from an old love, a job, old friendships or just day to day life we are always moving forward.  We spend so much time dwelling on moving forward that it becomes an affliction, something that just becomes part of our daily lives and when we haven’t moved forward fast enough we dwell even harder on it.

For me I have been struggling with friendships for years now.  And it is weird to think how many years I have been dealing with the same issue over and over again.  I don’t talk about it much with anyone because it seems to raw to admit. But I have been trying to make changes in my life recently and the only way to do that is to take a leap off the cliff.  Jump feet first into what ever lies ahead but the only way to do that is to let go of the ropes holding me back.  And for me one of those ropes tethering me to the past are friendships lost.  It is never easy to loose friends no matter the circumstances. While we grow and evolve so do the people around us, we have to be willing to understand that just because we want to hold on the other person may not.

I have always assumed I was a good person and a great friend. I look back on my friendships and I see me being there for each and everyone of them in their time of need through amazing life changes to the challenging ones no matter what and without question.  I have always felt that I go above and beyond with my friendships but honestly never feel I get the same back.  I tend to feel easily replaced that I was good for the moment but now that I filled my part they are done. Even as friendships change no matter the circumstances we have to learn to take a look from the outside and realize that the person pushing you away is doing it because it is what they need not what you need. This isn’t easy to hear or comprehend because if that person matters to you why don’t you matter to them.

Which leads me to my affliction, I take it too personally when I get pushed to the side or replaced.  This happens more than I like to admit and leads me to a lot of self doubt about the type of friend or person I am.  Because looking around I realize I am no ones person.  (For those Grey’s Anatomy lovers you’ll get that reference) All my friends have their person.  I am always second or third in line, this is the best way I know how to describe it.  It is kind of like being on the team roster but not cool enough to play.  So if I am having a bad day I don’t have a person to vent to or even if I am having a fabulous day there is no one on my team.  Sometimes we just want to know that no matter what is going on there is someone on our side.  I have never had anyone stick around through the hard stuff.  It is weird to think like that but every time I think I have found a great friend something happens and they disappear on me.  Sometimes I know exactly what is happening and others it blind sides me and I feel so confused.

Recently I have been dealing with giving a friend space because it is what they wanted, they eventually admitted this was what they wanted and why they had been distant to begin with, but at some point when does space become no longer friends?  At what point does it make that turn even when reaching out in casual ways doesn’t lead to anything and it feels like I am bothering them.  You start doing your thing they start doing theirs and the next thing you know it’s been months without any real conversations.  Now I know that this is only my side of the situation and there is another side out there so I can only understand my reactions & motives.  We always have to make sure that we are aware of that, this is how I am feeling not the other person.  So what I am going to say next is going to sound childish; I know this but I can’t help the way I feel, but why am I the only one that has to try.  At some point it would be nice to know that someone cared for me the way I do for them.  To try to realize that how they were or are treating me during their time of need is their responsibility and that their actions and words effect me and that I matter. Emotions are not one sided you aren’t the only one in the friendship with feelings so why is that your feelings matter more?  This becomes the question I am sure we have all asked ourselves at one point or another when dealing with any type of relationship, and it goes right back to what I said earlier “we have to realize that the person pushing us away is doing it because it is what they need not what you need”. This isn’t an easy concept to grasp and even though we know this it still doesn’t change our feelings.  It also doesn’t make our feelings any easier to handle.

I think this is the part that gets me the most, knowing that this is a choice they are making and I have no control over that but feeling like I don’t matter to people is a hard rope to cut.  Now a lot of people do not want to talk about the fact that they feel alone in the world because people around you always say “you’re not alone, so many people care about you” without fail as adults if we try to talk about this subject this is what we hear. So why talk about how we feel when we know what they are going to say, I think this is why so many adults hide the fact that they really feel the same.  Why is there such a stigma about the way we feel? I have tried to talk about this with so many people and because of that response is why I never go to deep into the conversation, I never get down to the nitty gritty because the response is you matter to someone.  Well if that is true then why am I having these feelings?  It isn’t easy to admit to yourself or to anyone that you feel like you are easily passed over for someone else. While I don’t expect to miraculously feel better it does help to be raw to how I feel.  I am normally the one that holds everything in because I tend to not have anyone to really share the hard stuff with and I think this is something that needs to change.  How can I move forward and make changes if I am never willing to be outright vulnerable?  Maybe that is the key; learning that sometimes in order to move past the hurdle you have to be willing to get hurt.  Moving forward has never been easy.

The Odd Side of Weight Loss

I have been dieting for just around 6 months now, and have lost a respectable 24 and half pounds.  Who would have ever that that half a pound or even a tenth of a pound would matter but wow does it.  Especially on weeks where you only lose two tenths of a pound, but hey at least you didn’t gain.  This becomes your mantra and any decrease is good, even though in reality you are cursing yourself that you didn’t loose more.  Which leads me to why I call this post the odd side of weight loss; it is because even though I have lost over 20 pounds to me I look exactly the same.  So I see on the scale the change but physically I am still all there, except in my wrists and feet.  This to me just seems so random, I have dieted before even on this exact same diet which by they way is Weight Watchers but the weight is coming off in very different ways than the first time I did it.

Now I don’t have some obscurely tiny wrist or anything but all of a sudden the bracelet I have worn for almost three years can easily be slipped off which it never did before, it use to fit just a little loose around the wrist and I would have to unclasp it to get it on and off.  It was made to fit my wrist specifically and is made out of white gold, so it isn’t like over two years it stretched.  I had the bracelet made for me because I could never find anything in the store that fit.  So it just baffles me that I need to have it made smaller by just over an inch.  It seems so odd that this is where my body decided to loose weight.

I am sure this is totally normal and it is a good change especially for the feet side, I am not a size smaller or anything but I do notice that things fit either looser or just better overall.  This too me is a really good thing, because shoes are my enemy, I hate shopping for them because they never come in my size.  I wear a size 11 normally but I can wear 10s or 12s depending all on the shoe and designer.  So I try not to let it define me but it drastically limits what I can comfortably put on my feet because most stores only care up to a 10 in anything that is fashionable.  Once you hit the 11 – 12 mark you start wearing orthopedic looking shoes that are thick and have velcro.  Just typing that description makes by brow furrow.  So I am looking forward to just maybe getting into a size 10 at some point as my starting size instead of an 11.  I should also note that if I have my foot measured it always comes up at a 10, but 10s rarely fit right.  So this has more to do with the industry than my body personally.

Because this process has been going on for 6 months and I would say I have at least 10 more months before I reach my ultimate goal but I can’t help but wish I showed a greater physical change than I do, while having smaller wrists and feet is nice it doesn’t really alter me visually.  Which ultimately is a nice side effect of loosing weight.  While most of us choose to loose weight mainly for health benefits no one can deny that really it is to look better in clothing.  We are just programmed that way.  Or if you are me it is just to get out of the plus size boxy section and into misses sized clothing where they define curves.  I don’t want to even get started on the drastic difference in clothing between misses and plus size because I can talk for days about how designers think plus size needs to be square that is a whole other post.  As well as the fact that women’s section in department stores is actually plus size clothing, they just don’t call it plus size.

I just decided that I was not focusing on me and it was starting to show physically and then I reached back to my highest weight ever in 2012 and knew that it was time to make a change.  I hope to post more about my journey I am on a goal of loosing 100 lbs and when I look at it that way being almost a quarter of the way there it doesn’t seem that big of a goal.